&

cynic.

2012-02-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I guess mostly I am tired of trying to be relevant and cool and unusual in a world where I don't necessarily agree with every thing that happens most of the time. I don't want to have a kick-ass wedding where all the guests take home incredible souvenirs and we go on this amazing vacation and move to a beautiful city and I walk my dog down (mostly) safe streets to meet my new friends at some hidden, delicious coffee shop that turns into a bar after 8pm.
I want to live near my nieces or my mom and dad or my cool soon to be in-laws. I don't want Brian and I to have the same smile. Or clothes. I want to feel like I'm the most fashionable one in our trio. I can try.
I don't want to go to the opera or a movie or a play or a concert and pretend that I enjoyed it if I didn't. I don't really want to sit around and talk about your compost pile or sustainably sourced flooring or how your neighbor moved his entire apartment with only "bike power" either.

I still really like Starbucks chai tea lattes. I'm trying to not be embarrassed about this.

I am a normal, simple, ice water and beach-mornings kind of person. I have no intention of occupying wall street or anything else for that matter. I can't guarantee we'll have much to talk about or that you'll even find me a walk's-worh of interesting. But let's meet up and take one anyway. Unless you'd rather jog? Which, in that case, never mind.

This year

2012-01-22T15:12:00.001-08:00

I want to be a good steward.

The Quiet

2011-12-26T06:58:00.000-08:00

Confession.
For most of my life I have been shy. There may have been approx. 3 weeks of my entire existence where I pretended to be an extrovert (probably around the time I started college), but deep down I knew my heart couldn't take it for long. This is truth: I am shy; I am quiet; I am oftentimes (I hope unbeknownst to others) terribly worrisome and may be guilty of thinking too much. Okay, okay, I think too much. It still makes me a little sad when I finish a good book, because I invest in the characters and feel like I'm losing a group of really cool friends. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but you see what I mean.
So I find it interesting that I gravitate towards those who are not as quiet as I have been. Many of my friends are and can be (for lack of a more graceful description) loud. They are boisterous and in charge and have fun and reap the benefits of being known. And for that I am grateful. Maybe if I had too many friend who were just like me we'd all sit around and say nice things about each other. Which sounds cute, but could become terribly boring after about 20 minutes.

I guess what I am saying is this: I have grown up in the boisterous and in charge and have fun, but instead have become the gentle, deferential, and speak softly. It is not so much an ultimatum as an internal observation, and as for this time of year, I think it's a pretty good place for me to be.

on being happy. and forever.

2011-11-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

I used to think when I was younger that one day I would be engaged and get married. I didn't think much beyond that. (i.e. dress, flowers, location, food, music, etc.?) I did think about who my husband would be, and sometimes, in my more enlightened moments, would send up a little prayer for him to the Clouds asking Jesus to keep him safe, and not kiss too many other girls, and other important things like that. Now that I am engaged, I still think about my future husband, except now he is very real, and very much a human, and all those other things that another being should be.
There have been so many times where I find myself in flustered frustration, wishing that this God that I follow and love and try to emulate was present in flesh and bone. If only I could see Him or hug Him or touch the edge of His robe!
And I am reminded that a wise man once said, "I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you bailed me out." And the righteous replied, " When did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?" And the King answered them, "This is truth: whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done to me."
I am finding that the least of these aren't necessarily the "least." They could be the most, or the smartest, or have really nice things, or just a shit ton of money. And that bothers me, why, again? Maybe my leasts aren't your leasts, or maybe they are, but here is a truth: Jesus is here in flesh and bone and he has been ever since he went back up to the Clouds to hang out with his Father. And so I need to be reminded. In not complaining when Brian wants to listen to sports on the radio, or not freaking out when my mother calls and wants to talk about the "wedding plans." Hey! These are little things! And in the grand scheme of things, they are probably even that much littler. But they are a constant reminder that whatever I do to others, I do to that Being I claim to follow and love. If followers of the way treated others as though they were meeting with Jesus, I'm pretty sure there would be a lot of others followers just itching to join in on the journey. Maybe a lot less cynicism about this particular faith, in general.
Oh, just something to think about.

all right?

2011-09-28T20:51:00.001-07:00

I may have forgotten what it feels like to simply exist without an agenda beyond waking up, exercising, working, playing with Goose, and falling asleep.
It is a humbling process.

on investing your love.

2011-09-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently lamented? exclaimed? that I had "everything" I wanted. And even though I couldn't tell if it was unmet longing or cryptic relief on their part, I couldn't help but think that everything I have now could very well be all I ever need. Forever? Perhaps. It seems idealistic of me to confess that at 24 years old, I can't possibly imagine anything else that I need to be content. It is only a feeling you know if you have it, but also a feeling you know if you don't.
At church today, we prayed a lot of peace prayers, lighting little tealights around the unity candle, and I couldn't deny the overwhelming sense of peace that passes my ideas of self and others and the world. I also couldn't deny the realization that I have stopped comparing myself to others, or, at least, have not dwelt on it as strongly as before.
I think it's a freedom that's just as real as what most Americans are honoring today.

on taking the time.

2011-08-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

It's hard to follow up my last entry with something worthwhile, but this is important, so I thought it best to share.

I was talking with my partner (Brian, my fiance(!), ex-boyfriend,etc.) the other day about the state of my finances. Oh, wait, i mean the state of my lack of fiances, and maybe starting to complain a little bit about how I have barely enough to "get by" without any unexpected circumstances dropping in along the way. And he humored me for a little while, but at one point he said, "Hey, I get it, I do. I live at home with my parents. I probably won't be making any money till next summer. (yikes) But there comes a point where obsessing so much over money, well, it just becomes wrong. Sinful, even."

And I was somewhat caught off-guard by his bluntness, but also the truth in his observation. I have spent many hours, let's say, finagling my budget to a 30 hour work week. It's tough. But, I have spent even more hours worrying about how aforementioned budget will actually work if my insurance goes up or gas gets more expensive or how I will have a social life outside of the 93012. I have also relinquished my gold card status at Starbucks. I didn't think it would be so hard. But, habits are habits, and something about those is tough to let go of.

All that to say, I still have a pretty sparkly ring on the appropriate finger, a very dear friend to be with for a long time, one of "the cutest puppies...ever" (per passerby's comments), a good car, and even better people surrounding my often worrisome, but always hopeful heart.

And for right now (for forever?), this is enough.

On not disappointing.

2011-08-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late. -Habakkuk

Brian and I are getting married! Tell all your friends.

on sleeping hiccup attacks.

2011-07-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

So there's a little creature in my life that sleeps on his back, dawdles in the bushes, and dreams long and hard. And I've never had a tiny heart rely on my own so much for everything. Oh, wait, I mean EVERYTHING. And this wasn't exactly how I had planned things: jobless, carless, moneyless...and yet, I can't complain when I think of all the little things. That I haven't been faithful in. All the big things that have yet to happen. And all the big things that already have in spite of myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just this: I'm still here. Things are happening. She is faithful, even when I am not. He cannot deny Himself.

And, proof:

On big time commitments.

2011-07-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

There's no ring, but this is a pretty damn good start.

I never promised you a rose garden...or anything else for that matter.

2011-07-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

Pardon my vulgarity, but being unemployed sucks. I have become painfully aware of how much of my self-worth comes from being able to live independently. That being said, I have already finished one book, spinned my legs off (they are still here), and slept 8 hours almost every night. It's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst. And even though Starbucks won't hire me, I'm hopeful that just means someone else will. Right?

on not having many plans

2011-06-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

so you can have a day mostly focused on this.

hanging with friends

2011-06-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

You would think by now that I would have had time to settle in, find a job, do some writing, ride my bike to town, and all these things. But, in truth, I have only spent 3 nights in my new room, and punched my last timecard on Friday. I didn't really know what to do with myself, so I missed some flights and finally ended up at home. Home is a nice place to be when you don't really know what to do, and, indeed, it is a luxury to travel on a whim (somewhat) and know that someone will be waiting to pick me up on the other side.
In other news, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece are also visiting, so it has been nice to see them for a few days, too. It also makes me never want to have children under the age of 5. (I hope you can understand.) I have been mulling over the idea of adoption for when I am older and financially stable, so there's that. It might also throw all my relatives for a loop which could be a nice change of pace for the Nelson Clan.

on leaving.

2011-05-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

let's hope so.

streams.

2011-05-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

It has been too long since I've had a chance to be reflective enough to write something of relevance here. It has been a long, loud, weekend. I feel older and am older, and lots of other things too. I am wondering about the validity of moving away from alot of things, people, places, etc. that I know and love to pursue one human. Is it worth it? (I like to think yes) The more people I talk to, the more people I tell that I'm moving, the more realistic my plan becomes. I don't want to be "that" girl that chases "that" boy. But I guess for lack of a better description, that's exactly who I am. It worries me somewhat, but not enough to do anything about it.
I like to think that a ring on my finger, and our own apartment with two bicycles in the hallway will finally be some sort of indicator that I have arrived. That the life I am living is worth it and valid and permanent. Some days the idea of carrying another life around inside me makes me sick to my stomach. But I wouldn't be here if someone didn't do the same for me. I really really really really like adoption. It might be hard to find someone who is on the same page as I am with that. But I hope I have/do/will find a partner in that, regardless. My mom asked me today if I knew what my dream job was. I had to say no. Maybe by now I should have said yes to that. How long does it take until I know? I wish I knew, I guess. For now there are too many things that I don't know. But I have learned to be content in them. I have learned that I am not the job I have, or the clubs I'm in, or the meals I prepare, or the stories I write. I am all of these things and none of these things, and it has taken a long time for me to honor this. I am light and truth and innocence and tenderheartedness and grace.

happy easter

2011-04-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up too early for a good enough reason, with good enough people, and found myself sitting on a picnic table at the beach. I have heard the minister's words so many times, that mostly I forget how good they are. Better than good and better than enough, but I guess not good enough to remember.
For the most part, I find myself wandering and full of questions. And not necessarily in a bad way, just in a "well, what about this?" sort of way. So, there's that.
But it was so nice to sit outside with friends, and eat food that I helped prepare, and, for a few hours, not have any questions to think about.
Indeed, He has risen.

one lucky...

2011-04-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have heard it said that "a dog is a man's best friend." I don't doubt the statement, but it does make me wonder about the mechanics of the human animal bond. Or maybe why the phrase isn't "a woman is a man's best friend." (I assume for some this is entirely the case, however, for the sake of argument...)
I have some reasons why this proverb may be so, particularly from a man's point of view:
-they are always happy to see you
-they're down for a ride in the car anywhere
-they always listen
-they never criticize you
-they don't care about how much money you make, or what you do, or fancy dinners
-they (for the most part) do what you ask them to
-they think you're the best thing since breakfast 3 hours ago (see point 1)

I'm not trying to anthropomorphize, or maybe I am, but I think we could learn a thing or two from those critters. Whether you're a man or a woman, I don't even care if you have a dog or not, maybe we could try to be more like them in all our various ships. I think we could have a lot more honest and hopeful interactions that way. Think about it.

Birthdays!

2011-04-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

And so the countdown begins...

on never being able to stay New for long

2011-04-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

I read something somewhere that said you should be kind to people, because every one is fighting their own battle. But I forget to be kind to people, because I forget that I'm not the only one that has bad days, and other people get cut off in the bike lane, get yelled at by the boss, and things like that.
But some times I like to think of a place all to myself, where I could invite people to come over and have a meal, or read books, or play games, or maybe just sit for a while. I don't think I would like to have a lot of decorations, but I would take donations at my guests' insistence.
In other news, I noticed a rollee-pollee on the sidewalk, and also saw a dog that looked like he had a chocolate milk mustache. It was pretty cute. It didn't feel like a Monday to me, which is a nice feeling.
I am already starting to feel nervous about what happens in June. Maybe because I don't really have any idea, but maybe mostly because I have little control over big changes. I should learn to be okay with that.
There is a verse in I Thessalonians that says something about living a quiet life and minding your own business and working with your hands. I would like to try to do that. I also would like to be more kind to people, especially people I am close to, and especially people that have let me down. I know I say this alot, and it's not much, but it is a start.

a day

2011-03-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

I couldn't let this day go by without making some sort of proclamation. TODAY WAS A LOVELY DAY! The light has been lasting longer since March 13th, but I haven't been enjoying it the way I did today.
I rode to work without mittens or a jacket this morning. (It has been the first time in a long time since I've done that.) It was opening day for baseball, too. And I'm very happy that it's here. Because of all the sports I could get into, baseball just happens to be the one I like. So forgive me if I don't know the names of all the players, because I do know who won tonight. And I do know that people wondered why Posey threw to third.
In summary, I got to be outside a lot, even though I had to work.
It was a very good day.

Sky scrapings

2011-03-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm walking around in a daze right now.
It was hard to drive to work this morning, above ground, waiting for traffic, not able to rely on my feet to get around on time.
It was hard to sit inside for hours, answering the phone, scribbling in charts, straightening magazines, watching the rain.
It is hard to realize that family sleeps in a bed across from you, but that they are also thousands of miles and lifestyles away from you too.
I can't say that these are earth shattering thoughts, but I am thinking them nonetheless. And I'm guessing it's safe to say that if you were the first skyscraper once upon a time, well, chances are pretty good that you're always gonna be the first.

2011-03-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace."
1 Corinthians 14:33

faithfull in little & much.

2011-02-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago (and I am sorry, I know it’s no longer Valentine’s Day), I looked at my boyfriend and said, “Is there anyone else in love like us?” Which may or may not have been a spin off of a line from a certain Maya Rudolph in a particular movie that I am terribly fond of. Regardless.
What I think I meant to say was, “Will we still be in love like this when I can’t keep up with you on my bike, or if I am driven to madness by your sports fanaticisms?” But it was shorter. And sweeter. And perhaps encapsulates a lot more of what I was thinking at the time.
A friend of mine asked what sort of goals I had set up for my life, and one of them involved a dog, and another (more serious) one involved being in love with a partner for the better part of my life. I know I am a romantic, so this might have something to do with my response, but I also know that I can be dangerously practical, and that I have seen that sort of practicality fleshed out in many grown up relationships.
So, I know what to avoid, but there is a part of me that fears the only way to avoid mistakes is to repeat them. Which doesn’t really make that much sense if you think about it, so don’t. I’m afraid my partner and I will mirror my parents. Or, in other words, that we will be humans.
I am eager for a time when people get married for the right reasons: not because they’re young and not because they’re old, and not because they’re pregnant, or because they want to have sex or are simply tired of waiting.
And I don’t know what the right reason for you is, but I think for me it’s something along the lines of living better together than on my own, and loving fiercely, and finally waking up next to a very, very dear friend.

Conversation Hearts

2011-02-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of parts of me that want to have arrived. To walk through the front door and put slippers on my feet and make a snack in the kitchen.
Then there are parts that are still longing for a departure. To ride down the street, backpack on, making it home before nightfall.
I can't say why there are so many parts of me that are still blanketed with insecurities. All empirical evidence aside, I should be a perfectly well-adjusted, emotionally stable Caucasian female.
And, for the most part, for more than the most part, I am!
So why do I catch myself feeling sorry in the worst ways for my current condition? Why is "love" worth waiting around for? Why do I have to have a 5 and 10 year plan in the next 6 months or else?!

re:cycling

2011-01-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

"The Rider"

A boy told me
if he roller-skated fast enough
his loneliness couldn't catch up to him,

the best reason I ever heard
for trying to be a champion.

What I wonder tonight
pedaling hard down King William Street
is if it translates to bicycles.

A victory! To leave your loneliness
panting behind you on some street corner
while you float free into a cloud of sudden azaleas,
pink petals that have never felt loneliness,
no matter how slowly they fell.

-Naomi Shihab Nye, 1998.

2011-01-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

I think I am looking forward to a time where bed sharing is permissible and commuting by bicycle is possible and having a four legged friend proves feasible.

clear nailpolish.

2011-01-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

I believe that there are a lot of big parts of me that appreciate change. I relish the idea of ending one job in search of a new (more fulfilling) one, and then working other part-time (less-fulfilling) ones. I'm anxious for friendships to become deeper and permanent. I get goosebumps thinking of all the great rides I'll have on a bike I can effortlessly carry up stairs; I'm even thinking about all new streets and sidewalks in the next year! See, I'm okay with the different!!
But (there had to be), I also believe that there's an even bigger part of me that appreciates the constancy of this life I am (lest I forget, currently) living. I have my rhythms and habits and place for my shoes at the front door.
So I worry about where I can find a place to work out in the mornings, if I don't live near school, and I wonder if any one would hire me with such limited job experience. I also wonder who would want to live with me, or who I would end up living with apart from here.
I am afraid of change. But I also firmly believe that He/She is aware of my fears and validates my concerns. Which makes me feel a little better. And I'm also fairly certain that the God who bore with 'please send us a puppy' Christmas prayers is still able to determine immediate needs and those that I could do without for just one more year.
So there is that. Which is nice.

It is a new year.

2011-01-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm expecting a lot from you, New Year. I expect you'll teach me how to be more gracious and tender, but also truthful. I'm pretty sure there will be some new birthdays to celebrate and parties to be had. I expect there will be some sorts of physical and unphysical movings and rearrangings and I'm also expecting to be content in them.
I hope I don't think that just because it's 2011 terribly wonderful things will happen. But I hope they do any way.
In other news, my road bike is on its way to town, so I am expecting it to be here soon. You may also presume that I will be riding it a lot.
I hope you are expectant in the New Year, too.

On not really being able to say it any better myself.

2010-12-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

"& they loved Him."

Florida: A List

2010-12-21T21:53:00.000-08:00

Things I like:
1. The fact that the state offers over 50 specialty license plates.

2010-12-20T08:33:00.001-08:00

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while." -Juno

2010-12-19T19:08:00.001-08:00

My dad asked me to ride the bicycle on the sidewalk. I told him that technically it's against the rules, but...
I did anyway.

2010-12-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

I loved the softness in his voice,
but mostly I loved the softness of his heart:
how every sparrow mattered,
every orphaned kitten needed a home.
I didn't expect we'd go very far together,
and yet,
I still smell his mouth,
still feel his shadow hovering
over my kneeling frame,
offering those babies a saucer of milk.

home is wherever with you.

2010-11-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

I do not know why so many things seem to come together at once.
Like five birthdays in the same week,
Or three phone calls in a row,
when the line had been dead for an hour.
I do not know why "when it rains it pours."
Like why couldn't it just drizzle,
or mist even?
I do not know why things fall apart
and humans break so easily,
Like tinkling glass on tiles.
I do not know why I like bird whistles,
but tell you to shut up in the shower.
Like your voice is worthless without wings.
I do not know why your path and my path
are traveling in the same direction,
as constant and inherent as
the salmon swims upstream.

Wild Geese.

2010-11-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
-M.O.

whinings.

2010-11-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

There is a lot to be thankful for, that is for sure. But, for the most part, it is easier for me to gripe about my day, rather than to keep track of all the tiny graces.
I have this car that I bought from a gentleman on Craigslist a few years ago. I didn't consult with my parents before making the purchase, and feel that I have been cursed ever since for this error. To make a long story short, lots of money has been invested into Craigslist car to bring her back up to speed. Recently, she had her oil changed along with a nice bath, and just the other week the nice guys at vw replaced her rock guard because the old one was dragging on the asphalt.
So this morning, at approximately 6:57 am, the check engine light illuminates. The reasons for this horrifying occurrence range from an unscrewed gas cap to a faulty catalytic converter and about 5,000 other things. My brain starts to ache at the thought of my dishonesty, automobiles, and mysterious pasts.

7:14 am: I decide to avoid the situation altogether and pedal off to work.

in other news...

2010-11-19T22:51:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty lousy when it comes to relationships with significant others. So, I am somewhat confused when I find myself heartbroken over another couple's misfortune. Why? I have no idea. Do I have to know them? Not necessarily, but if I do, it probably makes my heartbreak worse. Am I a sucker for quiet songs in the dark? Do I think every couple that is currently together should get married and be good to themselves?
Mos def.

things.

2010-11-18T19:06:00.001-08:00

Recently a lady told me that she was convinced her dog was deficient in Vitamin D. Upon inquiry as to why she thought this, Mrs. X replied, "because our house is in a very shady area and barely gets any sun." Okay, I guess that makes sense. So we talked a little about some vitamins or supplements she could give her sun-deprived canine to make sure he was getting enough. A little further into the conversation, Mrs. X lowered her voice and said, "between you and me, the real reason I think X is not getting enough Vitamin D is because I recently went to my doctor and found out that I don't have enough Vitamin D!" Okay. "...I know it's kind of crazy to think that, but I just feel like me and X are so connected that when I'm lacking something he is too!" I promised her I would get the vitamins ready and hoped to see her soon.

But sometimes I do wonder if humans are lacking in something if another human is lacking in it too? Or if you get sick, then all of a sudden you start feeling better, only to find your housemate in bed with the sniffles. I don't know. I'm just saying that it's something to consider. And if something like that did happen, maybe we ought to give credit where it's due.

like a child

2010-11-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

I was going through one of our desk drawers and came across a large envelope with a long story inside. As I was peering into the envelope, I saw a smaller manila notecard with Psalm 131 cursived on it.
Now I can't for the life of me remember who wrote it, as there was no return address, but I can say that I forgot about that sweet little Psalm. One I claimed as "my" song, so it is strange that I had forgotten it.
In other news, it has been posted by my nightstand, where I can catch a glimpse of it at just the right times.
Also, there is a band called Waterdeep who does an incredible version of the song 131. So if you have a chance to listen to it, I think you should.

On Patience.

2010-11-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

Quickly,
We curl up under floral sheets;
Shyly,
Kiss and press our spines together;
Slowly,
Breathe in night and fall asleep.

Follow your heart.

2010-10-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when people say, "Can you believe it's already (insert month here)?!" it really bugs me. Yes, I can believe that it's already the current month that we're in. Duh. Look at the calendar, yesterday was the day before and next month will follow approximately 30 days or so later. I guess it surprises humans, in general, how quickly a couple of days, weeks, and months go by. Again, with my busy theories.
B and I will have been dating for approximately 1,095 days this coming Sunday. THAT IS A LONG TIME TO ME! But I don't think I've said to anyone, "Man, can you believe we've been together for 3 years?" Or, "I can't believe I've almost known him for 4..." I also don't think I've found it unbelievable how long I've known D or E or S or K or G.
Some days do go by quickly, but lately I have been feeling every day's 24 hours in 60 minute increments. I have also been reading alot of fiction over the past 2 months, mostly from the perspective of a woman, so that could have something to do with it.
I see things differently than most people. Not in a creepy way, just a different one. I am still learning that there are a lot of things I don't know or understand about people, in general. So, I am sorry if I have behaved poorly around any one. I, also, am hopelessly introspective. It is no excuse, but it is a start.
I don't know if this is necessary to share, but it's the first time I've been down to the Mesa Starbucks, so I might be a little over-stimulated, what with the peppermint hot chocolate and all. And besides all that, there is a group of "moms" (I assume) having some sort of PTA meeting minus the T.

tired eyes.

2010-10-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

I am somewhat amused by how quickly God answers some prayers; and yet for others still asks us to wait.

And in other news, WHOOPEE!!!

in defense of nothing.

2010-10-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

The royal we are still very young in terms of days and years. And so it startles my mellowing frame to find out how busy we are becoming. I feel bad when I don't have plans or goals, and even guilty if I spend an evening in "nothing." Buuuuut, I think there is still plenty of life left for me to be busy. I just hope that I can never in all honesty excuse myself from living because I am too busy for it. It seems strange, but we humans are good at making crooked paths straight. And excusing ourselves from life because of all that busyness re-aligns the road, so to speak.
I'm not saying that I haven't excused myself several times, but I hope I haven't put any of you on the back burner because of it. She is an attractive quality, but a stressful burden, if you really invest in her.
And I know there are all these verses in the Bible about being still and small voices and rest for weary souls. I'm fairly certain that Jesus took the gift of nothing seriously. And I'm pretty sure He knew how curious I'd become over a yoke that was so abnormally light.

you cannot serve both

2010-09-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

I don't want to sell my life for money, but some days it can be tempting.

like a river

2010-09-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Some times I get worried that my life isn't turning out quite how it should be. Some days I wake up and wish I was going to ride my bicycle to the letterpress factory or retirement center instead of the animal hospital. I wish I could go on walks with my dog and play fetch at the park. I even wish most of my ships were further along than they seem to be.
For me, it is hard mostly to be content in today. I know it is an important skill to have, seeing as life is just a bunch of todays strung together, so I am working harder at that. I think contentedness and inner peace, in general, are lacking in a society that slyly questions satisfaction and pushes its students towards insatiable desires.
I took a trip to San Francisco a few weekends ago, which is where I took this picture. There's nothing incredibly symbolic about it; it's just open books that look like they're falling from the sky, and the sun happened to be shining at that point in the day. I am warming up to that city, but I wonder if I woke up in an apartment in North Beach if I'd be any more peaceful than waking up where I am today. I'm pretty sure there are things that need to change inside of my own heart before I could truly live a life that is turning out quite how I think it should be. "Whatever my lot," I suppose.

on quiet confidence

2010-09-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

I know people think I really like animals. And I do, for the most part. But it's not because I think they "get me" better than humans, even though I think they can be a lot more honest than we are. For instance, I have never met a skunk that liked me. Mostly, because I have never met a skunk in general, and I think that is an obvious way of realizing if any creature is interested in getting to know you. Several dogs (and even cats) have willingly greeted me and I think they were okay with just a pat or a good scratch behind the ears.
I took one of the shelters dogs out to the park the other day and she seemed to be honestly excited about it. And I know animals don't feel or think or act the same way we do, but I'll be damned if that dog wasn't terribly happy to be there. I'm sure it could have been with anyone, but it made me feel really good that she was rolling around in the grass and snapping her jaws and pawing the air like she did this every weekend.
And sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if we could express our joy as openly as they do. If it would be easier to love each other because we knew what we were getting ourselves into, and we knew that it would be a walk in the park.
I guess there's nothing really Biblical about that, but it is something to think about.

some sort of light

2010-09-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

I remember when I found out that a girl from my high school was pregnant. I was standing in front of Barnes and Noble when O said, "Did you know M's pregnant?" (No.) "Are you kidding me?" (No.) I remember seeing "the guy" one day when I was driving. I had heard he wasn't interested in becoming a father, and I told him so behind the protection of my tinted windows.
I thought about M today, and I think she's doing pretty well. I've seen pictures of her boy, and, what can I say? He's incredible.
I guess what I'm getting at is that life happens whether we think it's the right time or not. Mostly I forget this, but I am trying to keep it all in perspective.

2010-08-25T21:38:00.001-07:00

Forgive my negativity.
It has been too long since I have written any sweet words.

"On Cities"
I have not come across a place
as difficult as you.

Your parks and sidewalks
sparkle,

But tear up my boot's soles,
challenging me to take one more step.

So I climbed to the top of all the no-name bridges,
and sailed away to the jail at sea.

I cannot seem to grasp the congestion of square miles
or the vastness of one urban block.

He has fallen into your rhythms so well;
and I, bow my head in peace,

and command my troops
surrender to your composition.

trusting the process

2010-08-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've stopped by the Read 'N Post too many times this past week, but I've found myself quoting those little square cards alot lately. There's this one that has the line "slow down, don't worry, trust the process," on it. I've told a couple people to "trust the process" even though I don't have any idea what it means. A few people I know are starting new jobs in the near future, so I think this is an applicable phrase for them. And just recently my Mom sent me a card that closed with, "don't try so hard, let things come to you," which, in essence, is trusting the process.
I don't quite know how I feel about the process, in general. It reminds me of meat. Processed meat. I don't trust that process in the least.
But when I think that I don't have any plans past the edge-of-my-nose-spring, trusting the process seems like a better choice than calling it a liar. Even if I still don't know how to not try so hard, because something taught me to fight tooth and nail for what I wanted. Even though a good Shepherd asked me to come to Him, and I didn't even have to try at all.
There is some thing so intriguing though about worry and doubt and comparison. They are hard habits to shake. One of my friends told me that it's hard to beat someone if you're not playing the same game. It's harder to compare your Full House to someone's Scrabble bingo and so on. I'm not sure which game I'm playing, but it would be simpler not to play at all.
It can be disheartening to know that I still struggle with the same shortcomings as I did when I was younger. I am trying not to make things happen as much as before. I'm trying to let little pieces of life fall into place, like water freezing in the ice cube trays. I'm trying to listen harder to His voice, above the other bleatings, because I know when the rest of the flock wanders off, He carries me back to the fold.

Step Two:

2010-08-16T18:12:00.001-07:00

Keep an even temper. (Even when you're tempted not to.)

How to grow a woman:

2010-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Step One: Ride your bike.

la deuxième partie, so to speak

2010-08-08T12:51:00.001-07:00

and i suppose a welcome is in order.

you there!

2010-08-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

bean bags

2010-07-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine told me this:
"Sometimes you take risks when God says you're ready, and other times He asks you to even when you're not."
Perhaps some of the best advice I've heard this year.

high-tails

2010-07-19T23:24:00.001-07:00

I am wondering if a simple change of scenery is better than a simple listen to my heart.
(Thanks, X.)

"For They Shall Be Called Children of God"

2010-07-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

I do not concern myself with things
too marvelous for me.

I pull young buckthorn after the rain
and watch the cranesbill fill in,

tie a clover around my child's wrist
to stop her from crying after a fall.

I do not concern myself with matters
too great. I skim the article

once or twice--rebel fighters,
refugees, tankers billowing smoke.

Shall I say each time my eyes wander
to the blue stars of lilac tumbling

from a jar on the table,
that I love those lilacs more?

I will die being no help to this man
curled around a broken IV

on a floor in Sri Lanka.
I would like to sink into his stare

and pray him through his nightmares.
But first I lie in the grass

and bury my face in the great skirts
of the sky, making peace

with the carpenter ants and the other
small brilliances of my life.

Tania Runyan.

boots, heavier.

2010-07-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my chest feels like an old, bedraggled tomcat crawled in and filled its entirety with paws and half a tail and one scarred eye. And sometimes all I can hope is that a wild pack of dogs will come careening around the next corner and chase him off for a while.
Leaving room for the next critter to climb in.

antsy

2010-07-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

Amidst all the moving and roving and re-arranging, it is easy for me to believe that I lack many things.
But besides all that, blessed are the peacemakers, the mourners, the comforters, & the innocence.
It's almost too normal to be encouraging.

2010-06-27T21:49:00.001-07:00

I had learned from a very early age the right way to talk, to dress, to behave, in general.
I don't know why but yesterday I thought about perhaps not talking, dressing, or behaving "the right way," in general.
What if I just decided to be sweet, good, & true?

on being where you ought.

2010-06-14T22:50:00.001-07:00

mostly what I remember was the bird in the sanctuary,
sitting on the bench with ben,
clasping my fingers around your neck,
skanky legs,
and.
those
cornflower field
blue
slippers.

on noodles.

2010-05-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

we always had a couple, hoarded around the outside of the pool, barracading us against the unassuming canine or grandparent, keeping the intruders out and the fish in.
they were always made up of some sort of metal piping and white strips of rubbery plastic, burning our un-toweled backsides, warranting no sympathy from the "i told you so" looks of our kitchen aid mother.
so what if lounge chairs didn't float? it only took a couple of hurricanes for us to realize that sitting on a chair under the water was much more exhilarating than holding your breath above.
which is exactly what she was doing when i walked in to the sanctuary yesterday. her stretcher was padded, albeit with a meager foam pad and blankets, but underneath the cushion were the same plastic strips and metal piping.
her lifeguard was a gentleman who appeared to be in his early eighties: one pair of bottle cap glasses, two aids for hearing, a smattering of liver-spots on his hands.
i watched as he quietly propped her willowy frame up against the back of the chair. i smiled when i saw that her velcroed shoes still kept time with the music, that she only nodded off a few times during the sermon.
but mostly i caught his head...tilted just a little bit further to the left than normal, caught the frames of his spectacles focused only on his one, tiny swimmer.
and some thing the pastor said about a big lake and a very small fishing boat and no luck all night.
keeping the intruders out and his fish in.

on frustrations

2010-05-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

since when did 68.4 kilometers become so far?

In Defense of the Canis lupus

2010-05-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

I was born into the fold of black sheep.
Therefore, I believe I am allotted at least one major pitfall or setback in the next few years.
I have yet to cash in my token, but believe me, I am sure getting antsy.

Baa.

on losing, pt ii.

2010-05-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

I don't so much mind that we are estranged,
that we never write,
or talk: never swapping stories over tin-can-phone-strings.

I don't mind so much that you are older,
that your job consumes time,
makes money: some thing I have yet to manage wisely.

I do mind that in the span of less than five years,
I have forgotten to call you my brother,
and friend: and in so doing never quite manage to grasp
sister
as tightly.

a parting thought.

2010-05-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

"I bend my arrows now in circles & I shoot around the hill
If I don't get you in the morning, by the evening I sure will.
By the evening, I sure will."

re: feral cats

2010-05-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven`t been giving myself much space or time to write lately. Mostly, I have been occupied with observations about people and animals and interactions. I am trying to have more grace with all these things.
Like some days this tattoo still looks very dark on my wrist, even though I can't remember the artist's name, I have d to remind me. And some times my heart feels very heavy, even though I really didn't know you that well.
I suppose it is recognizing that I am no better and no less than my neighbor, even if I do like walking dogs. And that it is okay to communicate slowly and more thoughtfully than some one else may think is normal.
I cannot speak for you or your family, animals, or friends. So I speak for myself when I say that if there was only one thing I could do infinitely well for the rest of my human existence, it would be to live with too much grace.
Yes, I am a cynic on many levels. But, I can still try!

on naming things.

2010-04-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

I spent the better half of the past two weeks transporting my self around town by any means other than Jetta. Jetta was spending some well deserved vacation time, housed in a garage, having her insides examined and receiving new organs as needed. I spent the majority of that time either begging rides off of e, or riding my bicycle from point a to point b. Let me tell you some thing about bicycles. There are a few different kinds; mountain, road, hybrid, commuter, to name a few. Giant is a sort of crossover, not purebred, but some mix of the above. I have had this lofty notion in my head for several months now that I will soon be trading in Giant for a SSS (sweet, sleek, sexy) Bianchi. Though we have never met, Bianchi and I will be good for each other. Sometimes a girl just knows these things.
And so I faithfully rode my Giant up and down the coastal highway two and three times a day, convincing myself that if I am "still riding this old thing!" (after a year?!), that probably means I will be the perfect candidate for Bianchi in the near future. (I can barely feel its weight as I sling the frame over my shoulder and climb the stairs to my apartment...)
Alas, I am brought back to reality as I lug Giant's deadweight up to the safety of our second-floor balcony.

on ever

2010-04-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I wish he could just say, "This is the way. Now walk in it."

do not feed the birds.

2010-04-04T19:00:00.001-07:00

As most of you probably didn't know, I lented the internet for a couple weeks. Now, some of you may be wondering why there are a few posts after the seventeenth of February up until now. So, I confess to that. But I admit they were for important reasons, reasons I wanted to share, and, in my defense, at least one of them was on a Sunday (which I heard from someone is the only day it's okay to indulge your folly). I'm sure you're expecting me to tell you about all the incredible insights I gained from my world wide web fast. I will. Just not yet. It could be a combination of not quite knowing if I learned anything, or knowing that nothing I learned was all that incredible. (Which isn't to say I didn't learn any thing unbelievable, but maybe I'm challenging my own definition of the word. Who knows?)
But I do know that perhaps some of you have been faithfully waiting for my words of wisdom on money. Which, I promise, are coming soon.
In other news, I have started (reading) a new book. I also have some sort of ideas as to what could happen in 2011.
So, there's that.

on forgetting to be selfish.

2010-03-11T12:30:00.001-08:00

Congratulations, Papa Bear.

on still behaving shyly around eligible strangers.

2010-02-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have a few things to say about this. (The photograph and others things.) Firstly, I did not take this picture. That acknowledgement goes to Johan Stolpe. Most of you know who the subject is.
Secondly, I'd like to give you some advice on walking trails with someone. If you love some one romantically, it's usually o.k. to let them know that. If you love some one platonically, it's usually even more o.k., too. What I have learned from many many days and hours and minutes is the importance of sweetness. What I mean is that if we are completely honest with ourselves there are a few handfulls of people on our trails that think, act, or do most exactly the same things as we do. More often than not, we may find ourselves trekking up and down hills with someone who has a little stronger opinions, or says weird things, or plays in the sand. We can either keep hiking or turn back in search of a traveling party who only eat marshmellows and wear Patagonia. Oftentimes, however, if we keep walking, or even just moving, our peculiar companions lead us to really great vistas, and greater sliding rocks, or the best kissing trees. So many times I have thought of turning back on this long journey to search for my marshmellow-loving, fleece-wearing strangers. But, I always meet the faces of my faithfully-opposite journeyers, especially one in particular, and I can't help but turn my heels and lengthen my stride to catch back up. There is always some thing more to show me just around that next bend.

a's thoughts on valentine's day.

2010-02-19T17:57:00.000-08:00

I am not cynical. Honest. I love Valentine's Day! I love love. I love the Format. Remember? All I`m saying is that maybe Valentine's Day isn't the best day to get engaged. But I can't rag on my little brother for it. Big sisters don't do that sort of stuff. I can't say that I'm not slightly jealous or nervous or excited, because I am. But no body needs to feel pressure for that. And even though the situation is maybe a little more than conversation hearts, red carnations, and tin-foiled chocolates, we don't forget that either. All I'm saying is if you`re going to start a family, you may want a little money in your pockets; and if you want to make that girl into your wife, then you had better make sure that antique ring won`t set you back too far. And if you're going to say yes to that boy (yes, that one), then please realize that he has the best of intentions, most likely yours at heart, but he is not a man. Not yet. Other than that, stay dry & don't let too many people tell you what will & won't happen. It already is.

Thoughts on $, coming soon.

on postponing.

2010-02-16T13:28:00.001-08:00

we talked for about an hour the other night
&i was able to end the conversation in a peculiarly peacefull mood.
"we do really want the same things?"

truly, is it so simple as that?

A's thoughts on $.

2010-02-12T13:36:00.001-08:00

coming soon!

on misspellings.

2010-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

I know I am supposed to be paying attention to my peers, these words, etc., etc.

But right now all I can think about are lovely ragamuffins, greying pony tails, raspy voices-
"Hi, Tiffany"'s and
"Hi, Dave"'s and
"Ashley the Addict."

All I can smell is brewing coffee, the tin of the carafe, the smokey sweetness of second-hand ash draining from the tip of your Marlboro.

All I can do is exist.

"How long has it been again?"
30 days? 60? 2 years?

It is a start.

on macaroni shells.

2010-01-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks or so, I have managed to bite the inside of my lip in the same place several times over. This causes a consistent discomfort and occasional frustration with my teeth for being so inconsiderate. It`s approximately 1:50 in the afternoon and I realised that my teeth haven`t bitten me today. The inside of my mouth seems to be healing quite nicely. I also realised that tonight the H family will be providing me with some sort of delicious meal. I`m just thinking how nice it will be to enjoy it.

I forfeit

2010-01-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

my rights to satisfy your expectations of any sort of inspirational "resolution" list.

1. Learn to drive stick shift.

on holly avenue.

2010-01-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

I
know
that
atonepointisaidthati
neverwantedanychildren.

Well, throw that cutie pie in a bassinet & call me a sucker.

babys

2010-01-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am reading a new book in the mornings, and it is quite interesting. My table manners have been altered for several years now, but for whatever reason it makes me think that my difference aren`t really that much to brag about. (They aren`t.) In a quest for the unusual and absurd, all I`ve recently found is that I want my branches to shade humans (&huwomans) that maybe aren`t so set on finding all the peculiarities of the world. Maybe they`re just on a quest to provide for their families or buy snow cones from a street vendor. I bet they know more than I do about the wonders of cramped quarters and dead rats and nursing uniforms. I bet.

on what cd asked me.

2010-01-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

"so, why aren`t you engaged yet?"

rhetorical: a) of, relating to, or concerned with rhetoric b) employed for rhetorical effect; especially: asked merely for effect with no answer expected Ex: a rhetorical question

streams.

2010-01-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

there are so many humans in this world that at times i find it difficult to figure out who needs or wants or desires my energy and attention. oh, i have a few hunches, to be sure, of those i am to be investing in. my blood family, namely, and those beings within 25 miles or so of my door step. but what i mean to say is that i wonder how far my branches are supposed to reach? are they supposed to be stunted, sprouting beautiful dogwood blossoms at every tip? or are they to grow really really high like the cedars of lebanon? would i rather be lovely or have whole paragraphs devoted to my existence? maybe i am supposed to be like the giving tree mr.silverstein wrote about. it didn`t matter what kind of tree she was. not to the boy-man, at least. just so long as he could sit and pick and play and finally, after all that, find out that he was really happy. and so was she. i suppose i would like to be the most like a giving tree. and maybe people within 25 miles of my branches will have need of me. or maybe they will be right under my nose or down the coast or across the ocean. maybe i wouldn`t even have to have branches at all! maybe we could feel the most helpful when we were whittled down to stumps because of all the love we gave a way. it is a thought. any way. i am going to see if american airlines really has a ten million mile club, because i saw up in the air with d and i have been wondering about its existence ever since.

On reading this somewhere.

2010-01-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

"No resolutions, just change."

there's gonna be a party when the Wolf comes home.

2009-12-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my grandmother and grandfather and uncle and ryan, aran, laurel, nina, amanda, jennifer and all the babies who will also one day make it on my love list.

cold was the ground.

2009-12-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

A certain friend of ours pointed my head in the direction of a compilation album entitled, Dark Was the Night. Now, I didn`t really know how I felt about compilation albums that weren`t classified as soundtracks, but, fortunately, I was gifted, and began to listen.
Even though I prefer Blind Willie Johnson`s original title to the Kronos Quartet`s; I suppose their efforts would make him proud.
But mostly, on part 2 of the 2 disc compilation, I found myself watching our mice crawling upside down on the roof of their cage and replaying Stuart Murdoch's (think Belle & Sebastian) "Another Saturday" quite regularly during my six-am-just-before-dawn car drives.
Here are some of my favorite words from his song:
Look ahead with hope and cheer (Look ahead with hope)
Look ahead with blazing spirits
'Cause the One that made us wants us to spread joy amongst the living
And though times may be hard (Times, they may be hard)
And the week behind was painful
He won't ask us to shoulder a weight too much to carry on another Saturday.

I have heard that His yoke is easy, and perhaps a burden that is a little bit lighter than we`d prefer to carry.

on raining outside.

2009-12-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

since it was raining outside to night, i got to use my windshield wipers for the first time in a long time.
&as i waited for the stoplight to change colors, i just sort of stared at the blades going swish, swash, back and forth. and it was kind of peaceful in a peculiar way.
now i don`t know if it was because i had an umbrella, or the lights downtown looked unusually hopeful, or that brian is coming back soon, or that i am getting out of here next week, or just that the garbage bag nintendo man was having so much fun. but whatever it was, it felt good. good enough to put on a quotable coffee mug if my "good" could be verbalized. i keep telling myself i`m waiting for something really big and great to happen.
may be this is it.

while we are still humans.

2009-12-09T21:35:00.001-08:00

first off, it`s good to know you are still real.
secondly, please don`t be sad any more. we love you!
lastly, even though i am a better listener than them, thanks for always being willing.

on some thing a long time ago.

2009-12-02T21:11:00.001-08:00

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." -14:33.

on long, dusty roads.

2009-11-29T17:04:00.000-08:00

we can make time for the what that matters.

water babys

2009-11-13T17:47:00.001-08:00

It`s hard to believe
that you are coming
home after a day
at the lake.
Your cheeks swollen red,
your tiny fists sticky
&grabby for my
snarling hair;
your lips pucker &
eyes squeezed tight
taking a lion-sized
yawn...

It`s hard to believe
you have only been
here for 377 days; a
little sunlight, a
little rain, a little rest,
&hours of anxious nights:
I spy your papa in the
corner there--proud of
his accomplishments,
the feats of that day.

So, whisking you upwards
and releasing you to the sky;
I wait for your
heart to fall back in
to my rocking-chaired arms.

hurry

2009-11-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready ready.

on saying sorry

2009-11-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

some times you have to listen just
a little bit harder when he talks
about the things that really matter

to make up for awkward silences,
crossed grumblings, &
ransacked raviolis.

on not having any immediate plans.

2009-11-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

i have calculated the approximate time it
takes for me to accomplish each day's needs.
but to be quite honest with the world,
i haven`t thought much further than the edge of my nose.

&i have heard that it is okay to live like this:
wearing socks a little too big, taking steps small & just right,
hours of darkness and bright to think about tomorrows.
still, there is a hope on that ever-growing horizon.

we breathe in each morning, exhaling the night.
&oh, i have so much to learn!
but, take heart--with each half-eaten moon rise, each light we save:
there is plenty of time.

2009-10-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I am true of heart!
You are tired. You are true of heart!

on getting dark outside.

2009-10-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

it is cooler at night than it has been in september or august or july.
and it has been too long since i have held your hands in mine
or felt the brush of your bones in passing
or blinked my lips to catch yours.
oh, dear.

our seasons' changing blows in more than just frozen wind.

on letting go.

2009-10-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

some times my heart is too gentle for me to bear.
is that even possible?

All the Pretty Horses.

2009-09-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

Since it took me so long to actually get to this book, &even longer to read it, I figured that I would give you an honest, yet humble review.
I suppose my favorite thing about this book was that it took me a while to break it in. Or it took a while to break me in. Western fiction is not a genre I have any particular affinity for, and there is plenty of other literature in the world for me to sit around with. So, even though the book came highly recommended from a reputable source, I would be lying if I said I wasn't mostly intrigued by the cover.
McCarthy's mastery of style, however, could not be ignored, and luckily, like a green colt, I was broken in after about sixty pages. The poignancy of McCarthy's diction, the structured coherence of his characters, and his overall knowledge of the craft made this novel worth taking a little more time on.
Here is my favorite passage in the book; it's on page 135.

She watched him, not unkindly. She smiled. Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real. The events that cause them can never be forgotten, can they?

Find this book and read it. There's some caballos in it, too.

on standing still.

2009-09-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

"knowing well that those that know don`t talk & those that talk don`t know."

i still have

2009-09-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

the scars on my knees reminding me that we are not immortal,
dragging patellas under water over painted concrete,
weary sun bathers resting in shade.

orange picking in the groves about a half mile from your house,
stretching on tip toes with pulp-stained fingers
cows watching lazily in the summer field.

quiet sunday afternoons for hushed whisperings of conversation,
falling asleep under the table, dreams of moving back home--
it`s not such a bad place.

bare-footed evening lopings through the vineyard,
your hand in mind, letting go to check on the Chasselas or Gamay or Petit Rogue
running back towards the trail, flashlights in hand,
zig-zagging slices of light.

on thistles

2009-09-17T17:40:00.001-07:00

there are birds out of doors right now. i don`t know how many. i don`t know what kind.
but they are singing up a storm.

i can learn from that.

on happy meal toys.

2009-09-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

so, there`s some thing sweet about a boy who will pretend to be your dad and ask the drive-thru which beanie babies are available.
&there`s some thing even sweeter about a back seat rider leaning her head out the window and laughing till it hurts.
but the sweetest thing of all is the one behind you; the one who rolls the eyes & says, "just be sure to pay me back."
well i know that with one hand wrapped around a dripping 89-cent-cone and the other clutching my immature pride,
i could never really pay you back.